I’ve been itching to share this week’s post! It’s another of those searingly honest essays in which the writer opens up about how hard it is to actually sit down and write. Don’t be fooled by the heading—it’s not only about feeling like an imposter, but about despairing and procrastinating and dreaming and ultimately remembering that …
‘… I cannot pour from an empty cup.’
As a keen observer of her surroundings, Kirsty finds inspiration for her writing in the ordinariness of everyday life. She is currently working on her first novel, Her Mother’s Daughter, whilst also raising a bubbly baby boy with her husband, James.
When away from the writing desk, Kirsty is likely to have her nose stuck in a book, trying her hand at a craft, like knitting or sewing, tending to her veggie garden in the beautiful Barossa Valley, or riding her Thoroughbred gelding, JJ.
She has a BA in Communications from the University of South Australia and is working towards a Masters in Creative Writing with Macquarie University. A passionate student, Kirsty also attends classes for anything from German language lessons to Calligraphy, whenever the opportunity allows.
You can find Kirsty at her website, as well as Twitter, Instagram and Goodreads.
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The Imposter in the Attic
Sometimes when I read other people’s blogs or short stories, or hear about how their writing journey progressed from poetry to flash fiction to novels and everything in between, I get a little bit jealous. Sometimes when I follow a new writer on Twitter and hear about how they’ve just nabbed a publishing deal for their debut novel, a small voice at the back of my mind seems to stand up and shout, ‘So, what are you doing?’
I’m sure I’m not the first person to feel this way about my trickling approach to writing. Though my brain is full of imagination, I can be logical too. I know not to compare myself to others. I know I should just focus on my own work and eventually, the rest will come. But sometimes I get so caught up in my own pity party that I despair at the thought of ever finishing my manuscript to a point I’ll be happy with.
More than this, it feels like I spend most of my time fictionalising my writing life than actually living it.
‘Who am I to call myself a writer when I choose to watch an episode of Glow instead of writing another 500 words on my manuscript?’
I grew the idea for my novel from a tiny seedling, watering and tending to it each night before I fell asleep, for at least four years before I got up the nerve to write that first draft. I was so proud of myself when it was done that I celebrated by not looking at it for about six months.
I quite often think about how much I enjoy writing. How I envy other people who seem to have all this time to just write, as if my life is somehow more chaotic and stressful than every other writer on the planet. But why am I thinking about it when I could just be writing?
I picture what my book launch will be like. Who I would invite and what food they would serve. Will I read out an excerpt? And what will I wear? At this rate, I’ll never even get to have a book launch.
I imagine the elation I will feel about finishing the very last draft and sending it to beta readers, editors or a publisher. And then what will I do while I sit, waiting anxiously by my inbox for some feedback? Yet with every draft I complete, it just needs one more revision…
I attend workshops and courses, listen to podcasts and read books about writing to make me feel like I’m actively pursuing this long-harboured goal of being a published author. How many times do I need to be told that the most important thing any writer can do is just write.
And after all of this, sometimes I actually stuff all those excuses into a cupboard and just sit down to write.
As I sit here typing this, I’m realising how much time I actually spend procrastinating and how easily I find other things to do; when I hear from other writers that they couldn’t possibly survive if they didn’t write Every. Single. Day, I realise that I just don’t feel that way about writing.
It makes me feel like an imposter. Who am I to call myself a writer when I choose to watch an episode of Glow instead of writing another 500 words on my manuscript?
How can I say this is what I want to do with my life when I choose the comfort of my day job over the insecurity of freelancing?
What right do I have to claim that I’m a ‘writer’ when I’ve only worked on one thing for what feels like the last 100 years because the sheer thought of starting something new feels like giving up or procrastinating further. Or maybe I actually just don’t have any other ideas?
How can I say that I’m passionate about something that I actively try to avoid most days?
But then, when it all gets too much and I think about giving up all together, that logical little angel hiding inside the chambers of my heart floats up to my brain and envelopes it in a warm hug, and I remember to breathe.
I remember that I have put my heart and soul into my manuscript and I owe it to myself to write it well instead of rushing to finish it. Because it will be a better story for my patience and constant redrafting.
‘I picture what my book launch will be like. Who I would invite and what food they would serve. Will I read out an excerpt? And what will I wear?’
I remember that as a child I collected notebooks, wrote poems, stories and a full novella, as well as keeping a diary. Not because I felt I had to, but because it felt wrong not to.
I remember all those times an award-winning debut novelist tells the crowd how they spent ten years working on this one manuscript, because it needed that much time to become the award-winning novel it is now.
I remember that I am an adult and I have responsibilities. That being sensible about paying one’s mortgage doesn’t equate to not being ‘serious’ about writing.
I remember that I have a young family and our time together is precious.
I remember that I cannot pour from an empty cup. So taking time out to watch TV or read a book is just another way of refuelling. Maybe it’s time that I could be using to write, but would that writing be any good if my heart and mind weren’t in it?
There is no one definition that can ever fully encapsulate what it means to be a writer. We are all, each of us, different. But we do have one thing in common: no matter how much or how little, how often or how infrequently, we all write.
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I hope this piece has inspired you to write for Writers in the Attic. The topic is anything to do with writing—your writing life, what writing means to you, or what has influenced your writing. 600-1000 words is a good length, and I acknowledge the time and effort involved in writing these pieces by sending a small gift as a thank you.
Please keep the essays coming!
If you have any questions or would like more information, please contact me here.
We give ourselves such a hard time as writers, Kirsty, as you do here. And yet in this writing, you are writing, and beautifully too. Writers write but they also spend more time in their lives not writing. They spend time at so many other things, including procrastinating, thinking, reading, worrying their way through words in their heads, all of which fuels the writing. Take your time and it will come. It already is.
Thank you Elisabeth- it means a lot that others can see through my self doubt! 🙂
Lots of ‘writing’ is done away from the desk, isn’t it? I get my best ideas while driving, walking, showering, washing up! I relate to Kirsty spending four years dreaming up her novel before she wrote a word—I spent over a year coming up with mine before I started writing it, and I’ve spent a fair amount of time this year thinking about novel #2, yet I haven’t written a word since January. I like to have a reasonable idea of where I’m going with a story before I start it.
I completely agree. Grinding away at the desk in resentful obligation can’t be the way. Of course there is sheer hard work sometimes in writing, but we also need time to live, connect, think, breathe, learn – otherwise what will we be writing *about*?
I’m also trying to get rid of the feeling of dragging guilt whenever I’m away from the writing desk (which is most of the time!), so thank you Kirsty!
It’s always nice to know we’re not alone, huh? Thanks for your kind words.
We know the well runs dry and needs replenishing, yet we still feel guilty when we take time away from our writing desks. We’re so hard on ourselves!
I can so relate to your beautifully written piece, Kirsty. I have felt so many of those emotions, yet the desire to write remains strong. You will achieve your dream one day.
And you have something I’m envious of – an earlier realisation of your dream to write. I see photos of your gorgeous son on Instagram and think, wow! How different things might be if I was writing back when mine were that little.
You are definitely not an imposter – everything about your heartfelt post screams ‘writer’. Thanks for sharing 😊
Oh Marie, thank you for such kind words. I had a bit of a tear reading this comment (it’s H’s first birthday today as well!) What a year it’s been! I don’t think it matters how late we come to this realisation, commitment and determination are ageless! X
Happy birthday to you’re little one! It’s such a special time 😊 You’re exactly right – commitment and determination are priceless. We come to the realisation of writing when the time is right. Best wishes x
Happy birthday to your little boy! xx
Thanks Louise! X
One of the things I love about writing is that instead of losing your ability to write as you get older, I think you actually get better! I think we can catch up to these youngsters, Marie! 😉
We’ll give them a good race, that’s for sure, then pass the baton when we’re bent over our knees catching our breath. I love that writing is an activity that has something worthwhile to offer for every life stage.
God willing and touch wood, I hope to still be writing when I’m in my eighties. I might need specs like telescopes, my arthritis might have slowed my typing speed to two words a minute, and I might have to move the attic downstairs, but I hope to still be here! 😉
Me too. Croteched blankets on our laps, there will be a machine that types our thoughts for us by then! But the thoughts will keep coming for sure 😊
We can form a writing group at the nursing home! 🙂
Love this post of yours, Kristy, your writing voice is just fantastic. There’s a real energy there! And congratulations on finishing the first draft of your novel, that’s quite an achievement. I think that on the whole, writers are gifted when it comes to giving themselves a hard time. Welcome to the club, Kristy! But also, I think, every writer’s life is different. Every writer’s journey is different. Take heart dear Kristy, you’re young and gifted, and you’ll get published one day. p.s. also there’s nothing wrong with watching television as it’s a great place to learn how to craft stories, especially plotting. 🙂
We give ourselves such a hard time, don’t we? It’s our special power! 😉
Thank you Marlish! What lovely encouragement I’m receiving from this wonderful community. It’s all so overwhelming!
What an excellent piece Kirsty.
You are definitely not an imposter – I love reading your works whether it is an instagram post, a blog piece, recipe or a Facebook post.
And… you’ve drafted your first novel – well done you! Xo
I’m taking bets on whether Kirsty’s book will one day be published—odds are about 60:1 in favour at the moment! x
Thanks so much Leesh – I guess I’ve never been one to shy away from gabbing on social media, huh? 😉 X
Inspiring post. I am glad I am not the only person with the imposter feeling.
As I read it, a lot of the points resonated with me.
I’m totally with you in watching Glow instead of writing!
I do love a good Netflix binge—will have to add ‘Glow’ to my wishlist! 🙂
Glow is definitely binge-worthy!
Thanks for a brilliant piece. I’ve only just recently starting trying to focus on writing and I’ve felt so many of the things you mention. I think about writing a lot and I enjoy it when I’m doing it, but like you there are so many other things I want/need to do. Thanks again for sharing
Life and its distractions get in the way of our writing plans, don’t they? Luckily, writing ideas still come while away from our computers—and they’re often the best ones! (Just keep a notepad or audio recording device handy! 😉 )
So welcome Ange. And I agree, it feels like we’re always ‘on’ with all the thinking that happens – it’s certainly not just about the physical act of writing. Good luck with your efforts.
“… it feels like I spend most of my time fictionalising my writing life than actually living it.”
Boy, can I relate to this!
Right now, though, I would like to tell Kirsty to be kind to herself. She is definitely not an imposter. She’s a writer — always has been, probably always will be. Her novel will be published one day (if the quality of the writing in her guest post is any indication of the quality of her fiction writing), and all that dreaming and fantasising right now is a valuable — perhaps crucial — part of visualising her goals.
I wish her all the best on her writing journey — and wholeheartedly thank you both for this blog post. xxxx
I agree with every point you’ve made, Maureen, especially about the importance of fantasising and dreaming! Besides, we’re writers and that’s what we do! 🙂
Thank you for your kind words, Maureen. It means more than you can know. X
You nailed it Kirsty!! I can relate to so much of what you said. Thanks for your honesty and for showing that we’re not alone in the battle of writing vs not writing.xx
It’s a nice feeling when you write about something you’re finding hard, and discover everyone else is finding it hard, too. Thanks for visiting, lolshelley! 🙂
Lovely blog Louise and thanks for following mine.Xx
You’re welcome! I’m looking forward to reading your posts! 🙂
Thanks Shelley! Maybe we need a new hashtag, #waronnotwriting? Writing vs Not-Writing Seems to be such a consistent theme, huh? X
Ha ha count me in Kirsty!! Mind you, I have just been on retreat with the awesome Fiona for another dose of the McIntosh Magic so feeling pretty pumped right now!
Writing retreats are much-needed doses of magic! Wish I could take one right now …
I really identified with you in this one Kirsty! Especially when you look at other writers who’ve just scored an amazing publishing deal and you think ‘I’ll never get there’ or ‘I’m not one of them’. One day I’m sure, when we’re both super successful, published authors, we’ll look back on his time with fondness. I mean, you never know! 🙂 #There’sAlwaysHope
Every author constantly battles the thought they’ll never get published. But they keep writing anyway. Keep going, Milly and Kirsty. 🙂
#NeverGiveUp
I just found this post, and I am blown away. The raw honesty of these sentences struck a chord deep within me. We’re all different people, we all have different lives and different writing styles. It was a great reminder for me that even if it takes me longer to write/get published than other people, it doesn’t make me less of a writer.
Thanks for reading and letting us know your thoughts, Beth! It’s so nice that this post resonated so strongly with you! 🙂